Dolores In Love
by Lina Lupin
Summary: COMPLETE Not for the faint of heart. This fic shows Dolores Umbridge in an unsuspected light... :D Chapter 7 and 8 are new!
1. AN and Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

Some time ago I got a flame for my other fic, _Finding Allies_, which is still in progress. I present to you the flame here, by the anonymous IhateCho, so that you can understand my digression. If you haven't read _Finding Allies_, you won't understand much of what the flamer says, but the really important part is the one about Umbridge.

"I wish Harry is really over Cho in your story. I totally hate her. Hmm.. let's see.. first, Draco Malfoy is really a charming boy despite his bad-ass attitude and all these degrading remarks he made to the trio and the Weasleys for five years? Second, Snape is really intelligent and polite and Amanda falls in love with him? Have you forgotten how bad he treats Harry and the Gryffindors and all the hard times he gives them and how biased that bastard is? What next? Are you gonna make Umbridge sweet little innocent women who was really pretending to be bad also? And Voldemort is nothing but a love-deprived teenager who is actually good and his killings are only cries for attention? Please!"

This flame has illuminated me in many ways.

First, I'm really sure now that masochists exist. How else could you explain that someone takes the time to read 128711 words -one hundred twenty eight thousand and seven hundred eleven words- although he/she absolutely dislikes the story?!

In my opinion, fan fiction exists to let readers who enjoy writing play a bit with the characters they love. With my fic(s), I don't intend to guess what will happen in the following books nor imitate Rowling. I try to enjoy myself and hopefully make the time until the next book comes out easier for other Potterfanatics. I don't care if Harry is over Cho in the original books, or how bad Draco or Snape are. The more unlikely the fic is, the funnier it will be! We are here exploring possibilities, not playing at reading Rowling's mind.

Second, this flame has inspired me in a way I could have never dreamt of. I really hate Umbridge, as most of you probably do, and she is definitely going to pay for her actions in my main fic, but I decided the possibility suggested by IhateCho was really good, a real challenge, and I found myself suddenly carried away by my wild imagination. What if Umbridge had a soft side after all...?

Obviously it's going to be a humorous fic, made of very short chapters. I'll try to update once a week. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I'm having writing it.

Thus said, let me warn you that this short fic is only my way of showing that we are all free to imagine whatever we want. It would be absolutely boring if everybody had to imagine the same things.

And without further ado, let me introduce you to the new Dolores Umbridge...

The clouds moved aside, leaving a clear blue sky after them. It was the first day the people in London could see the sun in a very long time. The summer was being especially rainy. It was as if the sky was reflecting the wizarding community's dark mood. Since the Ministry had acknowledged that Voldemort was back, nobody had been able to smile.

The warming sun tempted many people to sit outside, and Dolores Umbridge was one of them. They were working so many hours a day in the Ministry that nobody would dare accuse her of laziness if she made a little break. She stretched herself, welcoming the soft rays of light on her skin, and walked to the gardens just behind the Ministry. She went to the small stand next to the main gates and asked for a cappuccino. She borrowed the copy of the Daily Prophet available to customers and went to sit in one of the tables.

Dolores took off her shoes, letting the cool grass tickle her feet, and sipped her coffee while her eyes scanned the Contacts page in the _Daily Prophet_. She had been doing it for the last ten years. After so much time, everybody else would have probably given up already, but not Dolores. She didn't do things by halves. Never. Her ideas might be wrong, but she believed in them, and would defend them until her very last breath.

The ads today sounded very familiar. Dolores was sure she had read them before.

"**Smiley.** Young handsome male with good teeth and a bad memory is searching for a twin soul. Send owl with photograph to Smiley555. Ugly and/or fat women, refrain from writing to me."

"**Mickey Mouse.** Little loving man, 37, would like to make new acquaintances. If you need a loyal friend, send owl to MickyMouse666."

A playful ray fell on one of the advertisements, and Dolores' eyes followed it. She sat immediately straight in her chair. Maybe this was what she had been looking for all these years:

"**Lonely Soul** would like to find partner for life. I'm 37, economically independent, fit and without physical mishaps. Send owl to LonelySoul777."

Seven was Dolores' lucky number. LonelySoul777... it sounded definitely right.

Dolores took a parchment and a quill out of her bag, and started writing her reply:

_"Dear Lonely Soul,_

_I'm not going to tell you my name just yet, you can call me Sweetheart for now. I'm 33, tanned and attractive in a charismatic sort of way. I've been looking for a partner for life for a very long time too. If you want to meet me, send me your reply by return owl to Sweetheart777 with the time and place, I'll rearrange my schedule if I have to._

_Yours,_

_Sweetheart."_

Dolores walked with decision back to her office in the Ministry and tied the parchment to her owl. Then she opened the window and watched as the owl disappeared in the distance, carrying with it all of her hopes.

AN: Virtual chocolate frogs to those of you who guess who Smiley and Mickey Mouse are. Come on, it's really easy! 


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn't until the following day that Dolores received a reply to her letter. She had spent the previous afternoon and evening biting her nails nervously, waiting to get an owl every second, but without luck. Maybe Lonely Soul lived in another country?

That morning, when she was getting ready to go to work, she had chosen her robes carefully and even put some perfume behind her earlobes. She was hoping that Lonely Soul would want to meet her immediately, and she wanted to be ready for the encounter.

When the owl finally delivered his letter in Dolores' office, she ripped the seal frantically and extended the parchment, holding it down with her hands on the table. Her eyes devoured the words.

_Dear Sweetheart,_

_Thanks a lot for your prompt reply. Please, don't feel disappointed, but I'd rather wait a bit before we meet each other. I know physical attraction is important in a relationship, but I'm more worried about our psychic compatibility. Please, I beg you, my Sweetheart, be patient. Write to me everyday, and I promise to reply asap._

_Yours,_

_Lonely Soul_

Dolores sighed. Well, it wasn't what she had expected, it was true, but she guessed she would have to be content with it. At least, Lonely Soul had written back. It was more than many people did.

She felt she wasn't in the mood to write back just now, so she turned her attention back to her work. In the evening, before leaving her office, Dolores took again Lonely Soul's message and wrote her reply:

_Dear Lonely Soul,_

_I must admit I was a little bit put out by your message. I would rather meet you tomorrow than in a month, but I will honour your request, and I won't press the matter any further. I promise I will write to you everyday, as long as you answer my letters, of course._

_What can I tell you about me? I've never been much lucky in love. I spent my younger years absorbed by work, trying to become someone important. I wanted to change so many things! And I must admit that I'm proud to have achieved my goal to some extent. I'm a very exigent person, though, and I ask nobody as much as I expect from myself. I hope to be able yet to improve many other things._

_Apart from my work, I like very much classical music and reading. My favourite author is Josephine The Auror, but I can tolerate Gilderoy Lockhart too, although in my opinion, he smiles too much._

_Yours truly,_

_Sweetheart_


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, more or less at the same time, Dolores received another owl from Lonely Soul. 

_Dear Sweetheart,_

_I'm glad you don't seem to be angry with me for not wanting to meet you personally just yet. Don't worry too much about that. It's not that I'm so ugly that I'm afraid you will run from me when you see me, but I think that this world in which we live gives too much meaning to physical appearance. I'm not looking for a top model, I want someone with a personality akin to mine. Someone I can love now and in hundred years from now._

Thus said, let me tell you some more about myself: I must admit classical music is not my favourite, although I can tolerate it and I even go to a concert now and then. What I really love, though, is rock, not necessarily hard rock, although I like Maddock the Mad quite a lot. I've gone to a couple of his concerts and they were an ecstatic experience, specially when he started levitating us all with the sound of his electric guitar and then let us fall when we were 7 feet above the ground. It's true that some people died when they hit their heads or were squashed by other people falling on top of them, but that wasn't really Maddock the Mad's fault. The organisation should have transfigured the stone ground into pillows, but they forgot. And I don't think he was really laughing at all the blood on the floor, you know? I think he was laughing at all of us trying to stand and taking out each other's eyes in the process. I hope he is released from St. Mungo's soon. His records are not the same since he's been under treatment.

_I enjoy reading too, although I prefer biographies and economical or political books to novels._

_And what kind of food do you like? I love Chinese food. I'm not bad at using the chopsticks. I prefer salty food in general, sweets are not meant for me._

_Oh, dear, this message is turning out to be quite longer than I expected. I hope you don't mind and will right back today._

_Yours,_

_Lonely Soul_

Dolores sat back in her comfortable werewolf's leather chair and reread the letter with a sad face. Maddock the Mad? That crazy wizard who had killed 73 people in a concert just because he felt like it? What kind of sensible person could still like his music and even excuse his crime? The only thing that Lonely Soul and herself had in common thus far was that they both liked Chinese food. 'Well, at least it's something,' Dolores thought.

She waved her wand in the air and immediately an elf appeared in front of her, her head bowed. Dolores asked for a cup of tea, with three sugar lumps and lemon. A few moments later, with the steaming cup in her hands, she made up her mind and decided that it was too soon yet to discard Lonely Soul as a possible partner. And it wasn't as if she had a lot of options...

Letting the tea on her table, Dolores took some parchment and started her letter:

_Dear Lonely Soul,_

_I'm glad you like Chinese food. It's my favourite too. It's a pity that I'm such a bad cooker. If I were reach enough to have my own house-elf, I would surely ask for a Chinese one. I can never get tired of those delicious noodles, or the famous hippogriff wings with soja sauce._

_I like sweets very much. I must admit I'm almost addicted to sugar quills and chocolate fire balls -those that explode in your mouth and leave your teeth black for a month afterwards, you've probably tasted them some time._

_What else can I tell you about me? Oh, yes! Well, I like travelling a lot, but only by floo. I was never too good with broomsticks or apparition. _

Last year I was in Egypt on holidays. I've also visited the North of Italy and Austria. What about you?

_Excuse me if I ask too much, but I was wondering if you could tell me more or less where do you live. I live in London, because I work here, but I was born in Liverpool. I still have my parent's house there, but I have rented it, because it was a pity to have the house empty the whole year._

_I must leave you now, because I have a meeting in a few minutes. I hope to hear from you again tomorrow._

_Yours,_

_Sweetheart_

Dolores inspected her letter and thought it was satisfactory enough. It was long as well, but she had avoided mentioning their differences. They should probably concentrate in their common interests, that would make them feel closer to each other.

She tied the parchment to the waiting owl's leg and saw it fly away with her fingers crossed. 


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning Dolores was surprised to see two owls fly into her office instead of one. The tawny one was the Ministry owl she had sent Lonely Soul the previous evening, but she had never seen the other one, a big imposing grey owl with white feathers on its belly that was carrying a square package wrapped in brilliant red paper.

Carefully, she untied Lonely Soul's letter from the owl's leg, not because she cared about hurting the owl, but because she didn't want to rip the parchment. It read as follows:

_Dear Sweetheart,_

_Thanks a lot for your nice long letter. I was afraid you wouldn't answer me again. When you meet someone through a contacts add, you can never be sure for how long that person will be willing to wait until you meet them._

_I'm glad you like Chinese food. Maybe we can go together to a restaurant when we meet? But I don't want to talk about that just yet, it's still too soon. Be patient, my Sweetheart._

_I've only left England once, because of work, but I have a vast knowledge of our dear old island. I live in Nottingham at the moment, but I was born in Chester, quite near Liverpool actually._

_I'm afraid I must leave you now, because there's some work I must finish. I'll be waiting for your letter, so please, don't make me wait too long._

_Yours,_

_Lonely Soul_

Dolores turned the parchment, but there was no postscript, no mention at all of the strange package the other owl was carrying. Maybe it wasn't from Lonely Soul?

Working in the Ministry, Dolores had come across some unpleasant things before. There were always those who chose to hate her without a reason, just because she did her best to defend the wizarding community from the obvious menace of werewolves and such. But, oh well, you get weirdos everywhere, don't you?

With some misgivings, she tapped the package with her wand and it unwrapped. Dolores gasped. Godiva's chocolates! Her favourites! She tapped the box and it opened to reveal a mouth-watering sample of milk chocolates. Dolores took one of them with trembling fingers, wondering it the chocolates could be poisoned. She took a bite and closed her eyes in ecstasy. Simply delicious.

She smiled to herself. Well, it looked like Lonely Soul was a very modest admirer. Not a single mention of the present. And he was very thoughtful too, because he had paid attention to the fact that Dolores liked sweets. She ate the rest of the chocolate and went back to working with a happy smile on her face. She would write to Lonely Soul in the evening.


	5. Chapter 5

Two months had gone by. Two months of daily owls and weekly presents from Lonely Soul. The chocolates had been followed by flowers, then a pair of gloves, then chocolates again, then a pair of sparkling earrings, and so much more...

Dolores had to admit to herself that she was in love with Lonely Soul. They hadn't seen each other yet, but she didn't mind. What could be the worst thing that happened? That he would be ugly? Well, she didn't care about his appearance in the least. The important thing was that this wizard was a sensitive man who enjoyed courting her and sending her little presents now and then. Who could resist such flattering?

But that morning, Dolores had received the best present she could ever get -besides the Potterboy's head in a silver tray, that is: yes, Lonely Soul had proposed a meeting. They would finally see each other for the first time. Dolores couldn't wait until Saturday, although, on second thought, she was glad Lonely Soul couldn't meet her until then, because it was already Thursday and she needed to buy something special for the occasion.

That evening, after leaving her office, she went straight to Madam Malkin's. The old witch was a bit disturbed, but her robes were the best ones, and she wanted to impress Lonely Soul. She had told him that she would be wearing a red robe, and she wanted to buy the most expensive one she could find.

Dolores entered the shop and went straight to Madam Malkin, who was bowed over an old robe, sewing some parches into it. Without even saying 'Good evening', she ordered:

"I need a red robe, and I want a good one."

Madam Malkin didn't even blink, her small wrinkled hand suspended over the old robe.

"Make haste, woman, I don't have all day!" Dolores almost shouted.

That seemed to wake Madam Malkin up, who let the robe she was sewing on the counter and walked to a pile of hung robes. She took seven, all in different hues of red, and threw them carelessly on the counter.

"The price is on the label hanging from the sleeve," she grunted, and went on sewing as if there was nobody in the shop.

Dolores rolled her eyes. This old woman... when would she finally retire and leave the shop to a younger person? But Madam Malkin's age was not the reason Dolores was in her shop, so she turned her attention to the robes. To her eyes, they were all beautiful. Dolores didn't know much about robes quality, so she simply looked at the prices and chose the most expensive.

"I'll try this one on," she said.

Madam Malkin shook her head in the direction of the changing room and went on with her work.

The robe was too long, but Madam Malkin could probably shorten it in a minute. The cloth was a bit rough on her skin, but Dolores had never seen anything like it before, so she guessed it must be something really new and fashionable. She stepped outside the changing room, tripped on the robe, and fell headfirst onto the floor, only to be stopped barely an inch from the marble surface by a pair of very strong arms that lifted her effortlessly.

"Did you hurt yourself?" A very manly voice asked.

Dolores raised her eyes to the face of the man and couldn't help but stare. Sandy hair flecked with grey, intelligent eyes and soft thin lips. If only Lonely Soul would look like that! Though Dolores certainly didn't care about Lonely Soul's appearance. But still... dreaming was not forbidden, was it?

"Did you hurt yourself?" The man repeated.

"No. No. No, no." Dolores stuttered.

"Pity."

That word, not spoken by the man but by Madam Malkin herself, made Dolores wake up from her daydreaming and focus again. She stared menacingly at the old woman and immediately started planning how to have her closed up in St. Mungo's in less than a week, her reputation ruined.

Madam Malkin cleared her throat. "Pity... that you couldn't come sooner, Mr. Lupin," she said addressing the man who had saved Dolores' nose from a definitely fatal encounter with the floor of the shop, "the woman I told you about, Ms. Crystal, left just a few minutes ago, I could have introduced you. She said she would contact you soon by owl, she was very interested when I told her you had been teaching at Hogwarts. And she is an excellent person, I'm sure you two will reach an agreement."

"That would be wonderful," Remus Lupin answered pleasantly, "I really hate..."

"Excuse me," Dolores interrupted him, forgetting that she owed him a very big 'thank you' to say the least, "I'm afraid I was here first."

"Yes, how can I help you, Madam?" Madam Malkin asked gritting her teeth.

"I like this robe, but it's a bit too long, I want you to shorten it."

Madam Malkin stared at the robe for a moment, she hadn't really paid attention to which one had the Umbridge woman picked. Without a word, the old witch came around the counter, kneeled, marked the right length of the robe with her wand and straightened up again. "I'll sew it better if you take it off. My hands are getting infirm with age, and I might cut your legs in the process. Accidentally, of course."

Dolores lifted her head high in the air, turned her back on the old daring woman and, fuming, walked into the changing room with as much dignity as she could. Pity that she tripped again and the man, Mr. Lupin, had to hold her once more.

"Thanks," she spat, and closed the curtain of the changing room. While her brain boiled with new sadistic ideas to harm Madam Malkin, on the other side of the curtain, the interrupted conversation went on.

"As I was saying," Remus Lupin said, looking sternly at the old woman in mock reproach for daring insult a Ministry employee, "I hate being unemployed. Whether this works out or not, I'm really in debt with you, Madam Malkin. Thank you very much."

The old witch, who was still smiling to herself, sobered a bit and said: "If you are so thankful, you know how to help me," and she shook her head to the right, indicating the back room of the shop.

"Straight to business, I see," Lupin laughed. "Very well, where is it exactly?"

"In the big box with golden letters, they all love it. I don't know what am I going to do when you start working again."

"_If _I start working again, I'll find the time to come whenever you need me. You know it never takes me more than five minutes to finish a boggart."

"Yes, I know, I know, Merlin bless you."

Remus Lupin disappeared into the back room and Madam Malkin stood waiting for the Umbridge woman to come out of the changing room, she had been there for too long already.

Dolores had been listening to the conversation going on outside and suddenly her brain had made the connection. Lupin! There couldn't be many people with that silly name, could there? No, this must be none other than a certain R. J. Lupin, ex-Hogwarts Professor, friend of an escaped convict and, what was worse, registered werewolf! And he was going to get a job? Where? Who would dare offer him a position against the Ministry rules? She would find out. Oh, yes.

Realising she had been inside the changing room for too long, Dolores stepped out of it and handed the dress to Madam Malkin with a sweet smile which Madam Malkin didn't like at all. Could it be that the Umbridge woman had hexed the robe?

But nothing happened when Madam Malkin took the cloth and started cutting it. Dolores tried it on once more, was satisfied with the length, and paid the extravagant amount of five hundred galleons for it, cash, before leaving the shop without a 'goodbye'.

Madam Malkin was counting the cash again when Remus Lupin came out of the back room.

"Ready, your shop is boggart-free once more, Madam Malkin," he said with a smile.

"Wonderful!" The woman said smiling. "I haven't finished parching the second-hand robes I got this week, there are three or four ready if you want to take them with you now, I think they are your size. I'll have some more ready next week if you want to come by."

"Thanks!" Remus Lupin replied cheerfully, and started inspecting the parched robes on the counter. Since he had reached an agreement with Madam Malkin to rid her of the boggarts that often lurked in her shop and be paid with parched second-hand robes, he didn't need to worry about robes anymore. Madam Malkin's hands, contrary to what she had said to Umbridge, were not infirm at all, and the robes looked as good as new after she had repaired them. He had never been good at it.

"Here," the woman told him, and placed a magnificent aquamarine robe in front of him. Lupin reached to touch it without thinking, mesmerised by the delicate appearance of the cloth. He raised inquiring eyes to the old woman.

"You'll need to wear something special for the interview. I told Ms. Crystal you have a lot of job offers at the moment and she'd better offer you good conditions if she wanted you to work for her. You can't go to see her wearing a patched robe."

Lupin opened his mouth to protest, but Madam Malkin didn't give him a chance.

"Consider it's a present from the Umbridge woman for saving her ugly nose, although I'm not sure you made her a favour."

Lupin raised his eyebrows in question.

"The stupid witch just paid five hundred galleons for a sack to cover robes. I buy them at 5 knuts the dozen and give them for free to good customers. They are very handy to keep the robes from wrinkling while travelling around."

There was a moment of silence, and then Madam Malkin and Remus Lupin burst out laughing so hard that they had to hold on to the counter. They laughed so hard and for so long, that the people who passed the shop stared at them for a moment before going on walking, wondering what could make an old respectable witch and a young handsome wizard laugh like that.


	6. Chapter 6

Dolores had never been so nervous in her life. She had met other men through a Contacts add, but there hadn't been the same _feeling_ with the others. With Lonely Soul everything was special.

She walked a little bit up and down the gravel path, looking around and trying not to scratch herself. The dress was killing her. This new cloth might be very fashionable, but she was itching all over. She only hoped Lonely Soul would be worth the suffering.

Dolores knew from experience that that park was a favourite place for blind dates. She had met there other men before, and even now she could see other people looking around nervously, hoping that their partners would show up and don't disappoint them. It was easy to see that they were waiting for an unknown person, because they were all wearing a white strip attached to their robes with their nicknames written on it.

Surprisingly enough there were some familiar faces this time. Out of curiosity, Dolores tapped her eyes with her wand to be able to see better at a distance and focused on the nicknames of the people in the park. Gilderoy Lockhart, apparently recovered enough to leave St. Mungo's, was Smiley. 'A very appropriate name,' Dolores thought, 'as he is always smiling.'

There was a very jumpy balding man a little bit to her right. Dolores couldn't discern his handwriting very well. His hand had probably been shaking while he wrote it. It was something like Hickey Muse. What a strange nickname! As she looked on, the man's mouth opened in surprise and his eyes started to bulge out of his face. Dolores turned to see what had provoked that reaction and rolled her eyes when she saw the reason: a tall beautiful woman was walking up to the man. The young girl had long shiny blonde hair and was wearing a very short and tight red dress. Oh, no! Not a red dress! If Lonely Soul were to see her, he'd probably think that girl was her! The colour of their clothes was the only clue to recognise each other. Lonely Soul was supposed to wear green and Dolores was supposed to wear red. If Lonely Soul were to see that pretty young girl first, she wouldn't stand a chance in comparison...

Dolores' mind was working frantically, trying to find a solution to this unexpected problem. She turned her attention back to the couple. The man was salivating in a very profuse and disgusting way and, to Dolores' surprise, he was doing a very strange thing: he was giving his wand to the girl, who smiled sweetly at him. But what came next was even stranger: the girl turned the man's wand upon him and bodybound him before starting to shout for the entire park to hear:

"Peter Pettigrew, you are under arrest for the murders of Lily and James Potter and for being a Death Eater!"

She had barely finished her words when three or four aurors apparated on the spot and started carrying the now whimpering man with them. Dolores, gaping at what had happened, turned her attention to the girl, who was now wearing auror robes. The girl's hair was now pink and short, and Dolores recognised her immediately as Nymphadora Tonks, a half-blood who happened to be a Metamorphmagus. She'd have to make some inquiries in the Ministry, she didn't have a clue there would be a raid today. And wasn't Peter Pettigrew dead? Maybe she had misheard the girl...

A sudden green blur took Dolores out of her musings in a flash. Green was the colour Lonely Soul was supposed to be wearing. She turned to her left with her heart beating madly in her chest, but rolled her eyes once more when she realised the green blur was none other than the infamous Rita Skeeter. She had probably known something about the raid and was there to nose around. The woman had become a nightmare for the Ministry since Minister Fudge had acknowledged that He Who Must Not Be Named had returned.

To Dolores' annoyance, Skeeter was coming her way. She probably thought that Dolores knew something about the raid and would want to interview her. Dolores took off the piece of parchment with her nickname from her robe and braced herself for a quarrel with the annoying woman. Before Skeeter could utter a word, Dolores confronted her:

"I have no time for interviews, I'm expecting a very important person. If you want to talk to me, call the Ministry and ask for an appointment so that..." Dolores' voice trailed off as Rita Skeeter stood in front of her with her eyes flashing and her right index finger pointing at a piece of parchment attached to her green dress. Dolores almost fainted when she saw the words written in the parchment: "Lonely Soul".

"Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Youuuuuu?" She stuttered.

"Yes, ME!" A very angry Rita Skeeter replied. "You might think it very funny, Umbridge, but I don't like wasting my time. I'm definitely NOT interested in women!"

"Me neither!" Dolores shrieked. "I thought you were a man!"

"Well, I thought _you_ were a man!" Rita replied in a murdering voice.

"But... but... I don't understand... what about the presents and everything? Only men buy presents for women! I was so sure you were a wizard!"

"What are you talking about? I never sent you any presents!" Rita Skeeter was shouting by now and everybody in the crowded park was looking their way.

Dolores blanched at this and her mind blocked out the rest of Skeeter's babble. Her brain was putting two and two together:

Rita Skeeter was Lonely Soul + Rita Skeeter had never sent her any presents = Someone else was sending her presents = Dolores had an anonymous admirer!

Dolores tuned back in on what Skeeter was saying and when the other woman finished, she said:

"It's obvious there has been a sad mistake here. None of us was searching for a woman. As I see it, there is no point in staying here any longer. I wish you luck and hope never to see you again."

With that, Dolores Disapparated.

*****

AN: Well... now you know: Smiley was Gilderoy Lockhart and Mickey Mouse was Peter Pettigrew. And Lonely Soul... Rita Skeeter! :D Come on, admit you didn't see it coming... :D

So, the virtual chocolate frogs go to PhoenixedIce, fantine2, Sabriel, Jenniferj, ladyknight30, amy and SassyBird.

Virtual Chocoballs for Aarie Granger, beenieweenie and Allyrien Chantel de Montreve for guessing one of the two!

Virtual sherbet balls for the rest of you who gave it a try. ;-)

I hope you enjoyed Pettigrew's capture. I enjoyed very much writing it. ;-)

Next chapter should be the last one. I'll try to have it up today or tomorrow. I'll answer to your reviews at the end of it. Thanks a lot for sending them!


	7. Chapter 7

Dolores apparated back home and immediately picked all the presents she had thought Lonely Soul had sent her and put them together on the kitchen table. She tried to arrange them in different ways: by colour, by size, by date of arrival... but nothing gave her a clue as to who could be the person sending them. Who could know her so well? The presents had been always things she liked a lot, so that meant the person who sent them knew her. Dolores changed into her favourite pyjama -one with red dragons flying around and breezing fire- and her cow patterned slippers, she made herself some tea, took parchment and quill, and started making a list of the people she knew. She didn't dare leave women or married men out, especially not after her frustrating experience with Skeeter. Then she proceeded to strike out the names that she thought were absolutely out of the question and to write the reason why between brackets:

Albus Dumbledore (no comment)

Arthur Weasley (too stupid to notice me)

Remus Lupin (werewolf, would never dare approach me)

Edvard Bergen (werewolf, same reason as above)

Lucius Malfoy (in prison)

Minerva McGonagall (would sooner hex me than send me a present)

Rubeus Hagrid (not clever enough to fool me for so long)

Sybill Trelawny (couldn't afford the presents)

That left a small list. She didn't have many acquaintances to speak of.

Cordelius Fudge (we've known each other for a very long time)

Narcissa Malfoy (beats me why, but maybe she is bored)

Severus Snape (certainly has the money and is clever enough, might have fallen in love with me while I was at Hogwarts)

Dolores shuddered at the possibility of being courted by Narcissa Malfoy. Even Minister Fudge was a bit revolting, although being the wife of the Minister wouldn't be a bad thing. As for Severus Snape... Well, the man hadn't been as cooperative as she had expected him to be while she stayed at Hogwarts, and it was rumoured that he was a Death Eater, although it hadn't been proofed. Snape had certainly had a chance to study her while she was at Hogwarts, and Dolores thought he was the most probable candidate. The man didn't look half-bad himself, and after he had showered ten or twelve times... maybe he would look even attractive.

Dolores rubbed her eyes tiredly and looked at her watch. It was already past midnight and she was getting nowhere. She'd better get into bed and wait until morning.

*****

The following morning, Sunday, Dolores was awakened by the big grey owl with the white belly. She jumped out of her bed and untied the package from its leg. She unwrapped it... More flowers. She smelled them with her eyes closed and her sleepy brain offered her a sudden solution: track the owl!

She took her wand and, pointing it at the unsuspecting bird, put a tracking spell on it before sending it out of the window. The owl had always been the same, so it probably belonged to the person sending the presents and would go back to its owner. She run to her office and searched between her papers for a map of London. Pointing her wand at the map, she conjured up the tracking spell once more. A red line started moving from the street where she lived. It seemed the owl was flying North.

Dolores started biting her nails without noticing it. When she realised what she was doing, she decided it was time to stop staring at the map. She had a shower, went to the kitchen, made herself some tea and a couple of toasts, and took them to the office. The owl had left London. She searched for a map of England and conjured up the tracking spell once more. The owl was still flying North and had almost reached Scotland. Two cups of tea afterwards and after repeating the mapping spell on two other maps, Dolores knew where the owl was now: Hogwarts!

The old castle was protected and she couldn't follow the owl inside its territory, but there weren't other buildings in the area, so whoever was sending her the presents must be living in the castle. Dolores thought again in all the possibilities, but again only Severus Snape seemed to match. It was Sunday after all, so Dolores thought she might as well pay a visit to the Potions Master and confront him about his presents. She was sure he would be astounded that she had been clever enough to find him out, and would probably ask her to marry him right there.

With a superior smile on her face, Dolores put on her new red dress, scratched herself, took it off, threw it into the fire and put on an old and simple dress she wasn't allergic to.

A couple of hours later, Severus Snape stood gaping at Dolores Umbridge as she explained the reason of her visit. He didn't know when the indisposition had begun -when the mad woman sitting in front of him had accused him of sending her presents, when she had stated flatly that she would gladly marry him, or when she had winked at him-, but he knew that he needed to run to the bathroom and throw up. It wasn't repulsion, it wasn't disgust, it was simply fear. Severus Snape was a brave man, but he'd rather face ten Dark Lords or ten annoying Grangers than be the love interest of Dolores Umbridge. He swallowed with difficulty, took a sip of his water, cleared his throat, and spoke for the first time since the woman had come unexpectedly into his office.

"Madam, let me assure you that I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never ever sent you any presents and I'm certainly not interested in marriage nor in any other kind of love affair."

Dolores Umbridge had thought about the possibility of Snape being shy and denying at first what he felt for her, so she wasn't disappointed in the least.

"I can understand your shock at being discovered, Severrrrus," Dolores purred. "I'm a patient woman, and I can wait. I just wanted you to know that you've been discovered, and that your feelings are very welcomed." She winked once more, and Snape thought he would throw up for sure this time, but someone saved him.

Dolores Umbridge didn't know it, but she had interrupted a very secret meeting of the Order of the Phoenix. Severus Snape had developed a potion that might help them block the Cruciatus curse for a while, and they were all in his lab, waiting to test it, when the unexpected visitor had knocked on the office's door. Not wanting to be discovered by Umbridge, as she was sure to give them trouble, they decided to wait in silence in Snape's lab while the Professor and spy received his unwanted guest and tried to get rid of her as fast as possible. They wondered what the Ministry officer could want from Snape, and on a Sunday too!, but they didn't have to wait long to know, since they could hear her voice clearly from where they stood. By the time Umbridge had finished speaking, Dumbledore had had to put a silencing charm on all of them, himself included, and had even had to stun Sirius, who was in danger of suffocating from laughing so hard.

Nevertheless Dumbledore knew his best spy was in trouble, and he knew the Order had to act. With his wand, he wrote some letters in mid-air. They were difficult to read, because his hand was still shaking with laughter, but the members of the Order nodded in understanding. The chosen ones took deep breaths and prepared themselves. Dumbledore lifted three fingers one by one, and when he lifted the third one, he pointed his wand at Tonks, Lupin and Sprout.

Just when Severus Snape thought things couldn't get worse, he saw the door to his lab open and Tonks come out of it, very scantily dressed.

"Sevy, dear, aren't you coming back to bed?"

It was lucky that Umbridge was too busy staring daggers at the girl to see Snape rubbing the bridge of his nose and swearing silently to take revenge on Dumbledore for this.

And things got even worse: Tonks started walking up to him and sat on his lap. She then turned to Umbridge and asked in a sweet voice:

"Oh! Are you joining the party, dear?"

Umbridge looked at her nonplussed and only stopped staring at the girl when another person entered her field of vision: Professor Sprout, clad in a very frilly négligé. The old woman went over to Snape and started running her hands through his oily hair while saying:

"Dear, it's getting cold in bed without you, what is taking you so long?"

Sprout looked then at Umbridge as if she hadn't noticed her before and said:

"Oh, hi! Are you joining us?"

"You are bigamous!" Dolores shouted incredulously.

And then came the last straw. Lupin came into the room shirtless, yawning and stretching as if he had just woken up.

"Good morning!" He joked cheerfully, and planted a sonorous kiss in Snape's lips.

Dolores covered her eyes in horror, and thus didn't see Snape spitting like a mad cat and cleaning his lips in disgust.

"Bigamous and... and... sleeping with half-breeds!" Umbridge shouted when she couldn't stand it any longer. "And all this is happening in a school! For Merlin's sake! You are as well as fired, Snape! All of you! I'll see to it, believe me!"

With those last words, Dolores took her bag and left Snape's office with a resounding bang of the door. Inside the room, the members of the Order where laughing as they had never laughed before while Severus Snape, Hogwarts Professor and spy, threw up as if he had been hit by the most powerful Cruciatus curse.

"What... what are we... going to... do... now..., Al-Albus?" A shaking-from-laughter Professor McGonagall asked.

"We'll have to... obliviate her... or something..., Mi-Minerva," Dumbledore tried to answer.

They went on laughing for a very long time.

*****

Umbridge was mad with anger, thinking in how to best ruin Snape's career forever as she stormed down the Hogwarts grounds, but her bad mood didn't prevent her from seeing a big grey owl with a white belly resting on a tree branch at the entrance of the Forbidden Forest. Dolores froze in her tracks. What if Snape wasn't her mysterious admirer after all?

Dolores approached the owl cautiously, and when she was very close, the owl looked at her and then took fly, as if wanting her to follow it. Dolores hesitated. She had been in the Forbidden Forest before, and she didn't enjoy the experience much. But her curiosity was stronger, and so she started walking into the forest.

It was already dusk when Dolores finally reached a clearing. Her mouth fell open at once when she saw something unexpected in the middle of it: a big table laid for two, with red candles and a bunch of flowers like the ones she had been receiving during the past days. She approached the table slowly, very slowly, looking around, but there was no one. The table was laid with a big variety of dishes, all of them steaming, and Dolores saw amongst them some of her own favourites. A bottle of French red wine suddenly lifted itself from the table and poured itself on one of the cups, which then flew to Dolores' hand.

With a trembling voice filled with emotion, Dolores muttered a quiet 'Cheers' and then took a sip of the delicious wine.

"It took you long enough," a familiar voice said to her right. Dolores turned a bit to face the speaker, but he was hidden in the shadows and she couldn't see him clearly.

"Who are you? Why are you sending me presents?" She asked, hoping to recognise his voice if he spoke again.

"It doesn't really matter who I am, all that matters is that I love you," the voice said, and Dolores' started to cry with joy. "I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you," the voice went on saying. "I know our love would be against many people's morals, mine included, but I just can't fight against my feelings, I have to fight for them."

Dolores took the bottle of wine, poured herself some more and then filled the other cup on the table. Then she took both cups and started walking to the voice, wanting to see him and, at the same time, dreading it.

As she came closer, she could see his face more clearly, and she almost fainted when she saw his manly lips, his bright eyes... How could a man like this be in love with her? What had she done to deserve him? Was it her integrity? her dashing smile? her sensuous body?

She was standing now almost touching him. Dolores couldn't take her eyes of his, she was hypnotised by their power. She felt two strong arms embrace her and let the cups fall to the ground and shatter to put her hands, now free, around the man's neck while he kissed her like nobody had ever kissed her before. Such passion, such fire Dolores had never experienced in her life.

Little by little their kiss deepened and their hands started travelling down each other's bodies, getting to know their respective curves. Dolores' hands reached her lover's hips and then... then... where were the legs? A little bit shocked, she broke the kiss and looked down for the first time, and where her lover's feet should have been, she could see... hoofs! Dolores took several steps backwards to her lover's obvious surprise.

"What is it, my love?" He asked, and Dolores finally recognised the voice: it belonged to one of the centaurs that had kidnapped her all those weeks ago. Vein or Bane, or something like that.

"You are, you are..."

"Yes," the centaur Bane said with a condescending smile, "I know you must be surprised to see that I, a superior being, am humble enough to notice a human, but while you were our captive, I couldn't help but fall in love with you, and now all I want is to spend my life with you."

Before Dolores could react, he approached her, coming out of the shadows and letting Dolores see his horse body for the first time. He paraded proudly for her, and when Dolores still didn't react, he took her hands in his and said:

"Come, my dear, let me show you your new home."

With that, he took Dolores with his strong arms and sat her on his back. She gripped his human chest in a reflexive movement to avoid falling, and then Bane started galloping into the deep forest.

The moon and the stars in the sky where the only ones to ever see the loving couple, the only ones to bear testimony to their lifelong happiness.

THE END


	8. Epilogue and AN

One week after the mysterious disappearance of Dolores Umbridge, Ministry Undersecretary, the following article appeared in _The Sunday Prophet_:

MYSTERIOUS VANISHING OF UNDERSECRETARY UMBRIDGE

By Rita Skeeter

_It's been a week since Dolores Umbridge's disappearance and it still remains a mystery. The Ministry hasn't pronounced itself yet over the incident. Umbridge's is the third Ministry employee to disappear in the last two years. The other two, Bertha Jorkins and Bartemius Crouch, haven't been found yet. Many people fear that He Who Must Not Be Named might be capturing Ministry employees to try and get some information about the Ministry's measures to stop a new rising to power of the Dark Lord._

_No one has confirmed it yet, but there are rumours that the Ministry plans to put a tracking spell on all its employees. This measure, which should help protect the employees, has already raised protests all over the country, as many people consider that it would violate the right of the Ministry employees to their privacy._

_Dolores Umbridge, 39, single, has been Undersecretary for the last 5 years and last year was also Hogwarts Headmaster and High Inquisitor for a few months. Umbridge had many followers and detractors for her controversial measures to control magical creatures, especially werewolves._

_Some sources who prefer to remain unknown pointed to the possibility that Umbridge, tired of her stressing life, would have run off with a lover, but all who knew her reject this idea as absurd and even laugh at it. Who could ever fall in love with a woman like Dolores Umbridge?_

*********

AN: First of all, Happy New Year to everybody. :-)

Well, we've finally reached the end of this short fic! I finished the story some days ago, but I've been from home and didn't have a minute to post it, sorry about that.

Thanks all for your reviews. Time to answer them!

**James Jago:** No, no, dear! Filch at least is completely human and likes cats. I hope it didn't disappoint you that it was Bane, I think he is quite 'unfriendly' enough in the books. ;-)

**PhoenixedIce:** Thanks for your reviews and for the correction! I'm glad you have enjoyed the story so far. I hope you've gone on reading and the rest didn't disappoint you.

**fantine2:** Thanks! I hope you liked the meeting with Lonely Soul. :D

**Aarie Granger:** Thanks for your reviews! No, the little scene with Lupin was intended to put you off track, although I didn't really expect the readers to realise who Umbridge's mysterious lover was. :D The chapter at Madam Malkin's has also another aim: make Umbridge even more laughable. ;-) I hope you enjoyed the rest of the story too.

**LizSnape:** As you can see, Lonely Soul is not an OC, although I'm sure it was an unexpected character, even for Umbridge herself! :D Well, Lupin appears in the story, but it was only to put you all off the right track. ;-)

**Sabriel:** Right! I hope you enjoyed the Chocolate frogs.

**Jenniferj:** Thanks! I like to see things from a humorous point of view whenever I can.

**aya_mikage8:** Well, it was really difficult, so don't worry for not finding it out. I hope you enjoyed the story anyway.

**beenieweenie:** Good try with Voldemort and Flitwick, but it was Pettigrew. Remember when he says 'If you need a loyal friend...'? It was ironically meant, of course! Then Mickey Mouse is a mouse, and Pettigrew can turn into a rat, which is very similar. Dolores' description of herself is very ironical too, that's the reason it didn't match with Rowling's. And then, you must take into account that she is describing herself, and we all tend to love ourselves a little bit too much, don't we? ;-)

**the counter:** I don't know about the 12 Romances, sorry. I agree with you that a review must not necessarily be a compliment, but it should be a constructive criticism, something that can help the writer improve his or her writing, not a complain about his or her choices, because we are all free to imagine whatever we want.

**ladyknight30:** Thanks for your reviews! I'm glad you like my two fics, because they are very different from each other and I was afraid I might loose some loyal readers. ;-) As you might have deduced from the end of this fic, I hate Umbridge too. :D

**scalyskin:** Thanks for your support, I agree with you. The suggestion of a Pettigrew/Lavender pairing almost made me sick, though. :D Let me know if you write something about them, I'll be sure to read it. ;-)

**amy:** Very well! I hope you liked the rest of the fic.

**Allyrien Chantel de Montreve:** I'm glad you laughed with the first chapters. I hope the rest were at least as funny. And no! Mickey Mouse was Pettigrew, not Flitwick, although you are not the only one to have thought it was the Charms Professor. ;-)

**SassyBird:** Thanks a lot for your kind words. I really think that some fics tend to be very similar to others, so I try to write more 'crazy' stories, if you want. I have a couple of ideas, which should be funny, but I want to finish my other fic first. ;-)

**HoshikoUsagi:** Thanks a lot for your encouraging words. I think the characters can vary a lot depending on the point of view of the speaker. Even in real life, we might dislike someone a lot, but that someone will probably still have friends and other people who like him or her. And that's good, I think.

**Kuh-Ris:** Maybe I didn't make myself clear in my initial AN. It's not that I expect reviews to be nice and positive. I've often gotten reviews with suggestions and corrections -English is not my mother tongue after all-, and they are always welcome, as far as they are constructive. Just criticising the choice of partners in a story doesn't help the writer improve his or her skills, it just shows that the reviewer doesn't like the premises of the story, and thus, he or she should stop reading and change to another fic. If you were to write a fic starring Harry and Ginny and I reviewed it to tell you that I don't like Harry and Ginny as a couple, would I be helping you in any way? I don't think so, that's what I meant. But after all, IhateCho's review was very positive, since it inspired this short fic. ;-) By the way, thanks for your support, and I hope you have gone on reading.

**HyperCaz:** Thanks for your reviews! No, it wasn't Lupin! I must admit I put him into the story to put you all off the right track. I'm very wicked, I know! :D I hope you enjoyed the end of the story.

**Bekky:** Thanks for your mail. I'll check your website and leave you a message. It sounds like fun. ;-)


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